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Being an adult can be immensely scary. We are suddenly confronted by a lot of experiences that leave us confused, and sometimes incredibly hurt. This can be even more painful when you feel like you do not have a mom or dad to guide you through this process or protect you. This article is a brief reflection on my fear of the adult world and my hope that somehow God will father me.
So I am 23 years old. A fossil, I know. I have lived through Westlife, Backstreet Boys (is that the name of a street?), Rihanna, Chris Brown, One Direction, Justin Beiber and TikTok. Heck, I've seen the guy grow old! Remember when he used to be a cute teenager? I am what some people would call an adult. A scared adult. I moved out on my own when I turned 18. One year after that, I moved to a new country with new possibilities. I was excited to experience life on my own terms, unhindered by the rules set by my parents or any other adult I knew at that time. I was EXCITED! Well, things... escalated quickly. I will admit the first few years were exciting. I had my own place, in residence, but my place nonetheless. I was going to an amazing school and I was making friends from all over the world. I could wake up whenever I wanted to, eat whatever I wanted to and go home whenever I wanted to. I was free! <I miss those days hehe>
Well, something I was not prepared for was the spookiness of the adult world. There were so many weird things adults did that I never understood. The news for example! What's the deal with that? Who sits to listen to another person talk about things no one really cares about that make no sense. Another weird thing adults were into that didn't make sense for me was politics. I genuinely thought they were utterly pointless. I only cared about my Saturday morning cartoons and Pixar movies (which I still do). I had a very big heart and very bright eyes. A few years later I have become one of the grumpiest people I know, and I know a lot of people! (I hide this grumpiness behind the facade of a smile that would give any prince a run for their money). I think the biggest thing I was not prepared for when I was introduced into this spooky adult world was just how many band-aids I'd need for my yet to be broken heart.
I will preface this part by saying I am genuinely spooked out! As a kid, I was super excited for the future. I would constantly daydream about building a house, having a career, being a dad, playing house (it's that thing kids play where they pretend to be mom and dad... ever tried it?) living life really! I would constantly live in the present and in the future, enjoying the gift of every moment while also dreaming about an exciting future. Well, I don't do that anymore. I don't even play house! I know right? So sad. Nowadays I spend most of my days angry, sad or depressed. I have to clarify I haven't been diagnosed with clinical depression, but there are a lot of things I am afraid of. Here is a small list of things I'm afraid of:
Am I OK?
Grad school, what is that?
Will I get a job?
Will I die alone?
Do I even have any friends?
Can I be a faithful husband to my wife? Will I be an available dad?
Will I even be a dad?
When is the new season of Attack on Titan coming?
Why are they even fighting anymore?
Is there a point to anything?
I will admit things got a little out of hand towards the end of that list. All of this to say there is so much I am afraid of. I no longer live life from a place of expectation or wonder. I find it hard to hope or to dream. And I find more reasons to be sad than to smile. I miss being a kid, I miss being safe. In my first year, I got incredibly hurt. In my second year, I was extremely lonely. I did all this while feeling the pain of a strained relationship between me and my dad. And while my mom was and still is a superhero, she can only do so much from an entire continent away. I desperately longed for someone to show me how to do this adult thing. I still don't know how to do it. So the only conclusion I could come to is to hope in Christ. Will I ever be a child again, that I do not know. But am I His child, that I truly am. It may be a scary path, but I trust that my Lord and Saviour will bring me home safe. I am scared. I am flippin' scared! Nightmares keep me up at night, and my thoughts won't stop racing throughout the day. And as I wait for people to discover me for the fraud that I am, as I wait for people (or me) to love me just as broken as I am, as I wait to go home I will still trust in my saviour. I may not have the wonder that I had as a child, but I have a hope that keeps me anchored in the storms of life. As Paul says, if we hope for what we see then we do not hope at all (Romans 8:24). Our hope is in that which hasn't been seen, that which hasn't been felt and that which hasn't been experienced. So keep on hoping friend.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
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