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This week's story is by Pauline Nasri. Pauline is a Journalism and Philosophy student at Ryerson University. She has also earned a certificate in Christian Apologetics from Biola University. She was part of the Writing Mentorship Program in 2020 with Power to Change! You can check out more of her writing @polo_nas on Instagram or in paulinenasri.com.
In this post, Pauline shares her challenges and joys having gotten COVID the past month. She writes how her faith grew and how the experience significantly changed her perspective.
The squares of my January and February calendar were already packed, but I was satisfied and excited for the last week of my Christmas break. Despite everything in 2020, I was optimistic about 2021; perhaps way too optimistic to begin the second week of the year with a big fat positive COVID-19 result. In a matter of two days, I found myself in bed, incapable of moving, smelling/tasting or doing anything that requires mental effort and focus. The challenge of the era that shattered humanity made its way all the way to my door.
The challenge of the era that shattered humanity made its way all the way to my door.
Although it was the break and we were in lockdown, I had plans and hopes to do things from home. I had my to-do list ready. I planned which books to read, debates and talks to watch, simply doing what I enjoy doing. I planned to actually enjoy my long-awaited break! But being sick wasn’t easy, and I found myself crying for not being able to focus, reading the text more than once to understand what it said. For someone who reads easily and generally understands tough concepts, this was a huge discouragement. My life relied on these activities- reading, speaking, analyzing and thinking. And now, boom! it was all disappearing. I didn’t want to see my body failing me, I didn’t want to fail myself and the expectations I had for myself. I wanted to take control of the situation and I wanted to get up. I tried and kept failing... but God never failed me.
I didn’t want to see my body failing me, I didn’t want to fail myself and the expectations I had for myself. I wanted to take control of the situation and I wanted to get up. I tried and kept failing... but God never failed me.
Some days I felt that God was present but silent. In fact, I was way too distracted before to not experience these moments of solitude with God. I was constantly around friends and relatives before, whether in-person or virtually and I feared the moments of isolation. However, it was suddenly me in my room, physically alone and away from my mom’s hugs and kisses. It was the literal meaning of having no shoulder to cry on. Reading became the hardest activity to do, to the extent that I couldn’t read my Bible.
The countdown of the winter semester starting day became nearer. Emails from my professors filled my inbox and my anxiety started to kick in. I was in deep sadness. The chaos wasn’t easy to get out of, but I didn’t ask God to change the situation. I asked him to change me. To turn me into a person with a great character.
The chaos wasn’t easy to get out of, but I didn’t ask God to change the situation. I asked him to change me. To turn me into a person with a great character.
I am back to school now and my schedule completely has changed from what I planned. I am taking a smaller course load just to be able to take care of my physical and mental health. Health had to be in the list of priorities too. Even today, I can’t either smell or taste very well. Fatigue suddenly hits my body and some days seem darker than others. Yet, the brain-fog is slowly vanishing. Although my focus is not like before and my reading is not as quick, I am comforted by progress and healing.
My strength is renewed day after day. My to-do list still exists. I am on my desk studying almost all day, attending classes, camera on, participating and doing what I can do, this time not relying on my strength but on God’s. I am putting effort into new things that have been making a difference - things like journaling my gratitudes which I’ve done in the past (but now my gratitudes are more special), exercising, and chatting with loved ones.
I’ve said in the past that God gave me a story to tell which was the big story of my life transitions and my identity, but God doesn’t give us only one story to tell, He gives us tons of them. (See P2C blog post here)
In my relationship with God, I put a huge effort into the mind. A friend once told me to not be taken only with the things that require mental effort – the heart is also essential and significant. Now is the time where God is working on my heart. Augustine said, “If there is a God who created you, then the deepest chambers of your soul simply cannot be filled up by anything less.” And now, I have this realization that neither my mental nor my physical strengths, nor my career or anything can satisfy the deepest needs of my soul. Only Jesus can.
“If there is a God who created you, then the deepest chambers of your soul simply cannot be filled up by anything less.” - Augustine
Psalm 139 kept appearing to me, three days in a row and in different conversations. It says in verses 17-18, “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!”
All I want to remind myself with every morning is, “He is with me, He is with me.”
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