Just As I Am

This post will be anonymous.

For a long time, I have struggled with the sin of porn and masturbation. Having access to certain media from a young age, young enough that I don’t quite remember when this began, quickly led to many unhealthy sexual desires that led me to seeking and doing things that I knew did not align with the way that God wanted me to live. Though I grew up in a Christian home and was surrounded by people who encouraged me to live in a way that was pleasing to God, I was stuck in this recurring pattern of sin. I became a Christian around the age of 5, so these temptations and actions began after I was saved. Despite already being a Christian and knowing God, I still struggle with this. How could this be?

Why this one, of all the possible sins, was it this sin that I had to struggle with? Am I truly asking for forgiveness when I continue to struggle with this sin?

This is what I thought every time I’d pray before God, disgusted with myself and my thoughts and actions. I’d often wonder if God would care to listen to me when my heart was constantly seeking the things that He hated.

Indeed, sexual immorality is a sin, among others; it hurts God and it does not please Him (1 Cor. 6:18-20). As Christians, we are called to flee from sexual sin and to honour God in all that we do. So, what now? The truth is, I am a broken, sinful person. I disobey God when I entertain my temptations, and in countless other ways. Maybe you directly relate to my story, or have something else in mind that you just wish you could erase from your own story.

Well, to whomever is reading this, have hope! This is the Good News of the Gospel. The Gospel says that I am sinful. I reject God and because of this, I deserve eternal separation from Him. The Gospel says that I was dead in my sin, but God's grace was so great that He made a way for me to be reconciled to Him by sending His only Son, Jesus, to receive the punishment that I deserved. How great is God’s love for us! Romans 5:8 says, “but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” While I was still a sinner - even then, God already loved me. His love was not based on anything that I had previously done to please Him or because I earned it or was ‘good enough’, but solely because of God’s love and grace (Eph. 2:4-5) and His desire to be in relationship with me (Eph. 1:5).

Truly, I do despise this part of who I am and I wish I could undo what has been done. But if this struggle with porn and masturbation reminds me of how in need of Jesus I am, then so be it.

I am reminded that there is no way that I could redeem or save myself, and it is only through Christ’s work on the cross that I can be made right with God.

So many times am I tempted to listen to Satan’s lies about who God is and who I am. But we must remind ourselves over and over of the Gospel and how His love is too great to leave us in our sins. This is hard at times, especially when struggling with this alone. I believed Satan’s lies that I would be shamed and that Jesus’ work on the cross was not enough to erase what I had done. This showed me how important it was to bear these burdens in community, rather than on my own.

I struggle with sexual sin. Because of this, I feel shame, guilt, and disappointment and feel alone in this struggle... but God showed me that His love and grace is greater than my sins. He took my guilt and shame away, freeing me to share with Christian community. I am now kept accountable and reminded of my identity in Christ when temptations arise.

It is hard and scary to be vulnerable, especially being a woman and admitting to a sin such as this one. But I encourage you to share with even one close friend. Small steps are steps of faith too! It was in my second year of university where I was finally able to share with a friend. It happened unexpectedly but through a truly God-planned situation. I hadn’t planned to tell someone that day, but without a doubt, I can say that it has been one of the best decisions in my life. I expected to feel ashamed, but rather this friend responded with grace and compassion as they listened to me share. I will always remember that friend and how they demonstrated God’s love toward me that day.

Community is important because we will still be tempted and struggle with sin. We are faithful not by living a perfect life (this is impossible!), but when we regularly choose God over our sinful desires. In community, we are encouraged to do this. It is in community where we are reminded of God’s truths and kept accountable for our actions. It is in community where we can pray together (James 5:16) and build each other up with encouragement (1 Thess. 5:11) when temptations arise. And it is in community where light is brought into the darkest places of our lives so that we can live as examples of Christ to those around us (Eph. 5:8-9).

Encouragement

With whatever sin you are struggling with, I know that it can be discouraging. But I encourage you to not let that stop you from repenting and turning back to God who is patient, gracious, merciful, and full of love. Our weakness is not without purpose because through it, God’s power is revealed. And we can be confident that He will continue refining us until the end, when His work is made complete.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. - Philippians 1:6