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This story will be anonymous.
“God, would you forgive me? I promise that this will be the last time.” If you struggle with habitual sin, this phrase might sound oddly familiar. For me, I struggle with sexual sin, specifically masturbation. I don’t watch porn (which is seen as the ‘extreme’), but I argue that other forms of media can be equally as harmful. It could be intentional or unintentional but the temptation comes in so many ways - TV shows/movies, social media, or even books/articles. People often say that masturbation is purely physical and you just need that momentary release. But I think that so many emotions are involved; we try to ‘escape’ reality through fantasies of what could be, and that just develops highly unrealistic expectations.
A little back story: I struggled with masturbation since I was in Grade 8, but I didn’t know it was a sin until I was in Grade 9 when someone shared their struggle with it at our high school fellowship. Unfortunately, in that year, I already developed the habit of masturbating whenever I felt stressed, sad, bored or even when I can’t sleep at night. As a result, it was very difficult to simply cut out the habit now that I knew it was a sin. I always thought “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just cut this out of my life”. Whenever I’m tempted or ask God for forgiveness, I always think, ‘This will be the LAST time”. Well that obviously did not happen.. Here I am, almost 10 years later and I still struggle with it regularly.
The world highly normalizes masturbation as a ‘common activity’. It's referred to as a natural and safe way to explore your body, feel pleasure, and release built-up sexual tension. It highlights self-gratification and satisfying the desires of the flesh. But as someone who has been a Christian for a long time, I can attest that it’s brought nothing but destruction in my life. Yes, it feels so good in the moment but guilt comes immediately right after. God designed sex to be good and only enjoyed between husband and wife; anything beyond that will only disrupt both our relationship with God and each other.
Community
As a woman, this sin is EXTRA taboo in the church. I felt fear that someone would find out and I shied away from opportunities to share due to fear that people would see me differently and damage my ‘reputation’. I did not tell someone about this until I was in 2nd year of university - I struggled with this on my own for a good 6 years! It wasn’t until I shared it with someone that I realized just how many Christians struggle with this too. When I told someone, it felt like a huge weight was taken from my shoulders. That’s why I want to share this part of my life because I want you to know that you’re not alone in this fight. So many people struggle with porn/masturbation and it breaks my heart that Satan has been pretty successful at convincing people to hide their struggle with this.
If you’re reading this, I encourage you to share the burden (or even any sin) with at least 1 person as much as how hard or shameful you think it is. I told myself ‘I can overcome this alone’ over and over again; but it was a part of Satan’s schemes - he thrives in our secrecy. Instead, God wants us to support each other; we are in this together. Trust me, the friend you share it with will not look down on you but will respect you for sharing and know that they can also share their burdens with you. The result? Deeper friendship. But don’t let it stop there, ask your friend to keep you accountable! Don’t feel like you have to tell EVERYONE - also be wise about it. Until now, I have only shared this with 3 sisters in Christ - and that’s okay! As long as you’re not the only one carrying the burden. I challenge you to take that bold step.
The reality is, we live in a broken and sinful world and we can never really be free from temptation. Especially with how connected we are through media right now, temptations are ever increasing and accessible. Take concrete steps that would prevent you from sinning! It can be calling a friend whenever you feel tempted, it might be installing a website blocker app on your laptop, or it may even be blocking certain Instagram accounts. Whatever steps you take, do not underestimate Satan’s determination of wanting you to sin to disrupt your relationship with God. Do not overestimate your power to overcome temptations (“I don’t need a website blocker, I have self-control!” Next time you know, you’ve fallen AGAIN). But most importantly, do not underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit in you.
From a journal entry I wrote before: “Now that I am conscious and aware of the evil and spiritual warfare around me, I have to make conscious decisions of protecting myself and be mindful of what I listen to, what I watch and overall be conscious of the environment in which I surround myself with. I NEED to be in the Word daily. I need to put on the Armour of God daily, ready to fight. Knowing that God will equip me with His love and strength if I let Him.”
Gospel Truth
Masturbation is so destructive and I despise it so much. But as much as I want God to take it away from me, it’s one way the Gospel is so active in my life. When I overcome the temptation, I see Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit at work in my life. If I do sin, I still see Christ at work in my life. I am reminded of my brokenness and my constant need for God, His mercy, grace and love. I repent, am greatly humbled, and grow even closer to God. Either way, I am being refined and shaped to be more like Christ. How awesome and how beautiful is the Gospel. It is made for sinners like us!
I saw masturbation as an escape from reality and I often turn to it when I’m sad or stressed. The sin is so destructive and I often plead God to take it away from me... but God showed me that it’s one way the Gospel is so active in my life. When I overcome the temptation, I see Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit at work. If I do sin, I am reminded of my brokenness and my constant need of God’s mercy, grace and love.
It is only when Jesus comes back and fully restores His Kingdom to the New Heaven and New Earth that I will fully be free. I truly look forward to when that happens. But until then, I have to wake up daily conscious of my brokenness yet still choose God every single day. “Today, I choose God. Today, I choose to be free in Christ”.
There are some truths that I cling on to, to remind myself daily of the Gospel, God’s everlasting love and Christ’s sacrifice once and for all:
Yes, Satan steals, kills and destroys -- But Christ broke the chains of sin and death and He came so that I may have life and have it to the fullest (John 10:10).
Yes, I am ashamed of my sin. -- But God showed His love toward me in that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me (Romans 5:8).
Yes, I deserve eternal death. -- But God, my Redeemer died for me. He chose a sinner as broken and disgusting as me. Because Christ took my place of death, He has made me clean, holy, blameless, and worthy of God’s infinite love. Oh how beautiful is that...
Yes, I feel so far away from God -- But God says that if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me (James 4:8). He welcomes me with open arms every single time if I truly give my heart back to Him.
Encouragement
This was taken from a journal entry I wrote last year. May this be your prayer too:
“I can pray all I want that God would take this away from me, but ultimately not my will but Yours be done. God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore, I rejoice in my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on me (2 Cor. 12:9-10). I can only trust that God is humbling me and refining me through this. In this struggle with sin, I trust that God is disciplining me for my good and for His glory, that I may share in His holiness. No discipline seems to be pleasant at the time, it is painful. However, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it (Romans 12:4-11). Lord, may this be my prayer every day. Not that you take this thorn away from me.. But that You may be glorified as You refine me.”
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