Identity Crisis - Finding Who I Am in Jesus

Hi friends!! My name is Jocelyn and I am in my fourth year at the University of Toronto. I study Criminology as well as Human Resources. I am involved in Power to Change Students on campus at UofT, and also have the opportunity to serve on the Young Adults Team and Connection Team at my church!

Today, I want to share a bit about how Jesus changed my life in my first year of university. During first year, I encountered how Jesus’ love changes everything and how He can heal wounds and hurts more than anything else. In the midst of brokenness, hurt and identity issues Jesus brings transformation, power, healing and love.

First, a bit of my background - I was born and raised in a Christian home by two loving parents and I have 4 younger siblings. It is a privilege to have grown up in a Christian home and to have the love of Christ modelled for me as well as what it looks like to faithfully walk with Jesus. In today’s post, I’m going to share a bit more about what it looked like for me to fully embrace Jesus and for my faith to become my own.

Going into first year, I went through a breakup the summer beforehand that left me feeling lonely, heartbroken and deeply insecure. I entered my first year feeling lonely, unworthy and ready for a change - I wanted to meet people, make friends and deep down I was seeking healing and approval from people that would help me to feel like I was worth knowing and loving.

Unfortunately, the first few weeks of first year didn’t go how I hoped and making friends was a lot harder than I expected. Feeling somewhat defeated, I decided to go to a gathering by a Christian group called Power to Change to see if I would meet anyone there. I really wasn’t sure about going, but decided that if I went and didn’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t have to go back again and no one would notice if I didn’t show up a second time. When I first walked through the doors into the Power to Change meeting, I was met with so much more warmth and joy and love than I could have ever imagined, a welcome that reflected in many ways how much Jesus loves us and wants to be in relationship with us. After that first meeting I knew that this community was special, that it was a place filled with people who loved God and experienced how much God loved them, and I continued to return, poured into by others and experiencing God’s love for me.

Throughout this time of being poured into and experiencing God’s great love for me and growing closer to Him, I was still deeply struggling with identity issues and insecurity. This led me to pursue a dating relationship with someone in first year that I should not have dated, and the relationship quickly became something that pulled me away from Jesus. As I sought affirmation from the person I was dating, and tried to gain value and identity and placed my worth in their perception of me, things became messier and I only continued to struggle with my identity and worth. As I sought affirmation through this person, the pressure to cave into different physical and sexual acts grew and continued, leading to more damage, hurt and brokenness. Throughout this time, I continued to wrestle deeply with shame, my identity, worth and value.

While all of this was happening, I continued to be involved in Power to Change and invest in that community while being invested in and loved by the people there. Often at our weekly meetings I would find myself in tears, feeling deeply ashamed and broken by the things going on in my relationship but not being sure of what to do about it. I would be embraced and prayed over and shown great love by the people there who showed me Jesus’ love despite the situation, and yet I was still filled with a deep sense of brokenness and shame. Throughout all of these experiences, God was calling me back to Himself - whether I was at Power to Change or spending time with my boyfriend at the time, no one could love me or care for me the way that God does. When the relationship ended at the end of my first year, and I began to fully seek Jesus, I experienced healing and peace and love in a way that can only come from God. I was seeking affirmation and to find my value in all the wrong places, but God in His deep love called me to Him - to the source of true love.

I was seeking affirmation and to find my value in all the wrong places... but God in His deep love called me to Him - to the source of true love.

The process of healing from these experiences took time and help from many people that God placed in my life. Uprooting shame is hard - shame tells you that you are unworthy, that you are defined by your mistakes, that people will look at you in a negative light if they hear your story, and that you are tainted by your past. I began counselling and with that began a journey of uprooting lies that were in my head and replacing them with the truth that is found in the Bible, given to us by God. The truth that is found in the Bible is this: God loves me so much that He sent His Son to die for me - and through Jesus dying on the cross, He paid the price for every single mistake we have ever made, or wrong thing we have done, or anything that might make us feel ashamed or guilty. Jesus also rose again from the dead after three days, and defeated all sin and death and brokenness on this earth. For our own mistakes, and for mistakes that aren’t ours to own, or for shame that we feel for things that aren’t our fault, Jesus does a beautiful thing - He removes all of that shame and tells us that because of Him, we are already being made new on this earth and we will be made completely new. Nothing in our past owns or defines us! How beautiful is this.

The journey to overcoming shame, experiencing healing and extending forgiveness was long and at times extremely challenging but it was also incredible because it showed me how much God loves me, and how much the people around me love me. It is easy to believe that people will look at you differently because of your past, and that they might think less of you - but time and time again, I have shared my story feeling scared and nervous and received grace and love from the people around me, with the only change being a deeper and more beautiful relationship with them. I have also learned so much about my own identity - that I am valued and worthy because God loves me so much He sent Jesus to die for me on the cross so that I can live with Him in eternity some day. God loves me more than anyone else on this earth ever could, and I can have a relationship with Him and walk with Him every day. Nothing I ever do could make God love me and less or any more.Through Jesus, I am a daughter of God, the Creator and King of everything! I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) because God has made me according to His plan. Having my identity in God means that it can never be removed, because God is greater than everything and His promises and word remain true.

Fast forward to right now - I am starting my fourth year at the University of Toronto and am still very heavily involved in Power to Change. Over the years, I have shared this story and have been blessed to see how God uses our stories for good and for His plan. Sharing my story has brought continued healing into my life and has allowed me to grow very close with many people. Overtime, the troubling memories of my experiences in first year have faded and gone away through God’s power and work in my mind. The hurts and brokenness we experience leave scars, but remembering the scar reminds me of the great healing of those wounds. At times, I struggle with my identity still because it is a work in progress! But when I do, I can come to God and lay my struggles before Him and be comforted by Him and reminded that I am His daughter and deeply loved by Him. God continues to work in my life everyday and draws me closer to Him, and I hope that this story might draw you closer to Him in some way, better understand His love for you, or remind you of how precious you are to God, the Creator of the world.