Finding Security in the Uncertainty

I'm a Type A person. I took several online quizzes to be sure.

All my life, I had a plan which I updated and adhered to as life went on. High school? Check. University applications? Marks, volunteer hours, extracurricular activities; check, check, and check. I laid my life plan out in my head like Degree Explorer on Acorn - constantly calculating, changing, checking. Everything I did was thought out, everything carried a purpose - a step towards achieving the next level in life.

The newest stage in the plan was university. In addition to struggling with loneliness, dealing with school in general, and just straight up not vibing with it, I was faced with a new challenge: uncertainty. For the first time in my life, I had to learn what it truly meant to live trusting God.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" - Proverbs 3:5-6 NASB

This verse is one of my favourite verses after learning it in second grade, and the one I chose to live by. Since then, I made sure to pray about my plans and dreams, and to trust that God would take control. However, I became a little overconfident over the years when I realized my meticulous planning produced good results. I told myself, I got this.

But I don't got this. University was uncharted territory - the uncertainty that accompanied it was terrifying to me. When I realized that life is beyond my control and that my careful planning could not guarantee security, I no longer felt safe in my plans. In fact, I started to question the choices I made.

My self-esteem and confidence decreased while my stress increased when I realized university was far from what I expected. I couldn't even rely on the plans I had for first year - nothing went according to plan. While I had a vague idea of what I wanted to accomplish, I didn't know how to advance in the next part of my plan, if there even was one anymore. My prayers took a turn from asking God to bless my plans to pleading for help and clarity. I was lost and scared.

But God is good. God is gracious. God is my Heavenly Father who holds the whole world in His hands. God brought me to UTCCF a month before grad din. During that month, I found community and joy, but more importantly, I found peace. For the first time since that school year, I felt like I could finally breathe. God was rebuilding my faith and mental health stronger than before. My academic world was still in ruins, but once again God demonstrated His providence just when I started to stress again. Through a conversation with a member of CCF, I discovered my program, bioethics, which I really enjoy and thank God so much for.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Though I never left God or doubted His power, I felt too comfortable and safe in my unreliable abilities. God wanted to teach me to trust wholeheartedly in His plans, timing, and judgment which are perfect and sufficient. I was so caught up in my own plans that I forgot that God has a bigger, better plan for me. I may not know what God has in store for me, but I find peace and security knowing that God is omnipotent and omniscient.

Uncertainty may not be my thing, but God's got this.