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Hi everyone! My name is Corlissa and I just finished my last year of pharmacy school at
the University of Toronto.
A few years ago, I was in a relationship that ended very unexpectedly. We were both Christians, actively served in our communities, did Bible studies together, set proper boundaries, and got along with each other’s families. I thought we checked the boxes. Why did it end this way? I was flooded with waves of emotions like hurt, anger, frustration, feelings of unfairness that seemed to crash against me repeatedly. I couldn’t
wrap my head around why the God I loved so very much would take away this good
thing from me. But at the same time, I didn’t know where else to turn but to God.
So I dove into the Psalms and let my heart cry out to God. In the weeks that followed, I kept looking for good to come from this, a lesson to be learned, a glimpse of understanding that would make me look back and think, “Oh I see what God was doing there now.” I pleaded with God to change my circumstances. I prayed that the hurt would go away and that He would heal my heart. And while my heart hurt less as time went on, I still
struggled to see God’s hand in this. Christian cliches like “God will bring good out of
this” felt more like a sharp stab rather than a glimmer of hope or a blanket of comfort.
I began to feel defeated, discouraged, and doubtful at myself and at God. Why was I still
seemingly stuck when others had moved on? Every time I thought I was finally making
progress in my healing, something would trigger me and release a wave of emotions
that felt as raw as if it just happened all over again. I thought I had finally let go, moved
on and forgiven, but when this happened, it made me question myself all over again and
beat myself up over it. And why wasn’t God doing anything about it? To me, it seemed
like God was sitting up on His throne with His arms crossed, watching me hurt, just
waiting for “the perfect timing” to make everything better.
But God was working even when I couldn’t see.
"I felt like God wasn’t doing anything about my hurt, and I couldn’t understand why He was letting this happen... but God was working even when I couldn’t see.”
While the next couple months and years were not easy, I praise God that I can now look
back on that season and clearly see His faithfulness.
Some of the most important things I learned during this season were:
1) Forgiveness is a decision and process. [Lysa Terkeurst]
One of the things I constantly beat myself up about over the years is the amount of time
it seemed to take for me to heal. But what I’ve learned is healing isn’t linear and it looks
different for everyone. As a book I read put it: “You make the decision to forgive the
facts of what happened. But then you must also walk through the process of forgiveness
for the impact those facts have had on you.” [Forgiving What You Can’t Forget]. I had to
learn to give myself grace. Slowly, I began to bring more perspective to my triggered
feelings and get better at managing these emotions. Healing takes time and we need to
be patient with ourselves.
2) Perspective changes everything.
What if instead of waiting for God to “do something”, you asked yourself, “What can I do
during this season to become more like Christ?”
We can choose to sit in negativity, doubt, and anger at our seemingly unchangeable
circumstances. Or we can turn our eyes heavenward, and focus on our loving, gracious,
and faithful God. Our hearts can forget and be easily swayed by our life circumstances
or how we feel in the moment. We often need our minds to remind our hearts of what
we know to be true despite what we’re going through. We need to choose to believe
God and His goodness, despite what our circumstances try to say to us. And then when
even my mind wrestled to believe, God placed brothers and sisters in my life to remind
me and walk with me through the valleys.
3) Focus on the Provider, not the Promise. [Tori Masters]
For a long time, I was caught up waiting in expectation for God to turn my situation into
“good”. And that’s not wrong. But the longer I was in this waiting, I started to lose heart,
get more impatient, frustrated, and maybe even doubtful. And that’s a dangerous spot to
be in. I love this quote from a youtuber called Tori Masters to focus on the Provider, not
the promise. When we fix our eyes on God instead, reminding ourselves of what we
know is true about Him, it fills us with more peace and hope. Regardless of whether my
circumstances change right now or not, I KNOW that God is good, that God loves me,
and God has the most perfect plan in place for me. And that’s where my joy is found.
When I first started my calligraphy account @joylettered_, it was just a fun creative
outlet for myself as a way to relax and de-stress. But it has since evolved into a way of reminding myself of God’s faithfulness and promises in moments of doubt. Lettering Scripture, worship song lyrics, and quotes helps me to meditate on the words I am writing and really let them wash over my circumstances and feelings. And this change in perspective has helped me repeatedly to find joy right where I am.
I want to encourage you today to remember God’s faithfulness in your own life. And if you’re struggling to see that, open up the Bible and you’ll see God’s hand and faithfulness written across the entire book. God’s plans may look different than ours. We might not understand His way. But what is certain and true is that He is good and His ways are better than our ways. Whatever you’re going through today, fix your eyes on Him. Let this season become a testament of God’s faithfulness in your life.
If you find yourself going through a similar season, I’d really recommend this book
called “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget” by Lysa Terkeurst. Though I read this after
that season in my life, I have found it extremely eye-opening. I wished I could’ve read it
when I first went through this. And of course, feel free to message me if you want to talk
more :)
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