Fellowship with Jesus in Our Sufferings

Hello there! My name is Carolyn Chen. I've been married to my husband Eden for almost 8 years, and we live in Los Angeles, CA with our two young kids. I spend most of my time raising my 2.5 year-old daughter and my 8-month old son and work very part-time as a nurse at a community clinic called Los Angeles Christian Health Centers that serves marginalized communities in downtown LA. Back in July of 2020, I started a lettering Instagram account called @remindersofgrace where I letter Scripture and write devotionals with the hopes of reminding people who are struggling (myself included) to set their gaze on the grace that is always available in Christ.

I wanted to share today about one of the biggest instruments God has used in my life to reveal His sufficient grace, and that is the life of my daughter, Talitha Cumi Chen.

It was on Good Friday of 2018 when my husband and I walked into our 13-week ultrasound appointment. We had just finished a smooth first trimester of my pregnancy, and were completely blindsided when the tech nervously pulled us aside and told us that his findings were concerning and we would need to wait to be seen by a high-risk OB. My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach and I remember sobbing uncontrollably in a packed waiting room as we waited, imagining all the possibilities of what could be happening with our baby. The doctor told us that the baby's abdomen was filled with fluid, and she believed our baby had a lethal kidney cyst that would certainly result in death - either as a miscarriage or a few days after being born.

Eden and I spent the rest of that day letting our friends and family know the news and to ask them to pray. We went home and wept and lamented in a way I had never known before. Some of our closest friends showed up to the Good Friday service we went to that night, and afterwards our friends just enveloped us in hugs and held us as we ugly cried. As people poured into us in the following days with encouragement and prayer, we felt the power of deep, stormy-weather friendship in the body of Christ that ministered to the depths of my soul. We experienced the nearness and the goodness of God in such a sweet and tangible way as I started to understand what Scripture means when it says that we fellowship with Jesus in our sufferings.

Multiple people sent and prayed this Scripture from Isaiah 43:1-4 over us:

But now thus says the Lord,

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,

Eden and I truly felt that Jesus was passing through the waters with us, standing in the fire with us - that He is the God who chooses to suffer with us, who has wounds and scars born out of sacrificial love.

A few days after the initial diagnosis, we rejoiced at the miraculous news from another doctor that this mysterious cyst was actually not originating in the kidneys, and not lethal.

My pregnancy was wrought with uncertainty and ever-changing diagnoses... but God carried and sustained this little life, reminding me that He who intentionally knitted together this baby in my womb knew exactly what He was doing.

When we found out we were having a girl, we decided to name her based on the Mark 9 passage where Jesus raised Jairus's daughter from the dead, saying "Talitha cumi" which means "Little girl, arise!" Though it was unclear what was actually happening, our doctor knew from our scans that something was wrong with her anatomy, and we were expecting her to need surgery immediately after birth.

Talitha was born 5 weeks early, finally diagnosed with an extremely rare and complex malformation and quickly whisked away to the NICU after a few moments on my chest. Eden and I got to visit her in the NICU at midnight and held her close, grieving how different this whole process was going to be, but so incredibly grateful to be able to parent this very special child. There were countless ways where we saw God's care. Talitha happened to be born at the very hospital and in the care of the very best surgeon to operate on her on the whole west coast. After I posted about her diagnosis, my old nursing mentor reached out to me, connecting me with her family member whose daughter was born with this exact same malformation. This mom happened to connect us with a support group for this condition which was and still is an absolute life line to us. Talitha happened to be born to a mother who is a nurse, and a father who is one of the most determined and resourceful men i know. We had a prayer group of over 100 friends who were so faithful to intercede for us through all of the highs and the lows our family experienced.

Her first year of life was one of learning how to change drainage bags and insert catheters, of ER visits, of navigating doctors appointments, of some really hard days, of 5 surgeries (one of which lasted almost 14 hours). But it was also one of experiencing for myself His peace that surpasses understanding, of being fed by Scriptures that resonated so much more deeply in the midst of pain. It was one of having my faith enlarged as I saw God being ever faithful and giving us grace in such sufficient measure again and again.

My weakness and inadequacy to handle all of this was so apparent to me in this season... but God surprised me with His perfect strength and kindness through His promises and through His people.

These days, Talitha is thriving - singing any chance she gets, growing at her own pace, and ever keeping us on our toes. Although we still have our struggles, I know that God has written her story for His glory, and her scars remind me daily of His faithfulness.

Encouragement:

If you are struggling in your suffering in this season, I want to encourage you that you can trust the Potter, the Master Gardener, the Good Shepherd of your soul and life. He is good, and He does good. His good sometimes does not look like the good that we would have chosen, but it is infinitely better. Wait on Him. Hope in Him. And you will discover the peculiar truth that it is out of death that life comes. It is by emptying ourselves that we find fullness. And it is through weakness that we experience true strength - His strength.